I think I was still in my childhood years when I began to search for God.
During Sunday services I was trying to listen carefully to every detail
of a sermon. What I had heard there, I then tried to apply to my life.
But the results of all those efforts of mine were really poor – the harder
I tried, the more frustrated I became. My life was a contradiction of the power
that I thought the loving God should have given me. Meanwhile, I still wasn’t
able to find my place in life, and I desperately looked for other people’s
acceptance. During all this time, despite my efforts to reach the godly standard
of holiness, I wasn’t able to say that if I were to die, I'd certainly be saved.
This fact has caused me even more frustration, because I couldn’t find any solution
to a situation like that.
While being in the fourth grade of high school, after many attempts to get close
to God, there I was, on the verge of deciding to reject everything I had believed
in up to that very moment. A following reasoning was behind: what’s the point of
obeying commandments and other various guidelines on Christian life, what for must
I go to church and believe all the things that are said there, if in spite of my
honest striving I do not experience God’s love in my life. And at that point in
time, when I was about to give up and reject God, thanks to a classmate of mine
I’ve learnt of the gospel. The gospel meaning the Good News that I can be saved
through my personal decision of faith and through giving my whole life to Jesus.
However, I didn’t make that decision outright. Although I’ve heard that we are saved
through our faith before, I knew nothing about the fact that it was necessary
to decide to surrender my life to Jesus. I guess I had a wrong understanding of
what faith really means. Many people think that it is a deep inner conviction
that God exists. I’ve had this kind of conviction about God even before but that didn’t
make me certain enough to say that I was going to be saved. In the Bible the faith
that has the power to save is about believing God, trusting him, which leads
to a decision to surrender my life to him. I’ve made such a decision of faith a bit
later when I went to visit my friend in Heidelberg, Germany. Because I had a lot of
spare time there, I began to read the Bible. I started with one of its less famous
books, the Book of Proverbs. While reading it, I began to realize how far from the God’s
ideal my life really is. However, it was not just some general awareness of being sinful.
At that time I’ve woken up to some particular sins I committed in my every-day life.
I also started to understand that I need God’s forgiveness and power to change. This was
the moment when I gave all my life to Jesus, even the areas in which before I wanted to keep
the authority to make decisions to myself only.
Right after my conversion to God I began to feel this strong desire to get to know God’s
word and apply it to my life. And to me the Bible itself turned from a mysterious old
book written in a bit archaic style to a “living word”, which turns out to be true in
real life and changes the reality. In my life changes started to happen fast. Jesus has
solved my problem of unsatisfying relationships with other people. Since then I can be glad of
having many lasting friendships – my self esteem does not depend anymore on others’ acceptance.
After my repentance I’ve finally gained peace with God. Now I’m able to say that he’s my Friend –
I’m certain of his care and I can see him work in my life.
What about today? I still get to know God day by day. I learn how to live a Christian life and
how to serve my Savior. My conversion to him didn’t make me a sinless person, and so there happen
times when I fall. But God is faithful to his promises in the Bible and he keeps pulling me
out of the trouble I get into because of my disobedience.